France (okay Paris and wine country for now)

So I write you in Paris, after a full week in France, in an apartment that Guy swapped with a French couple in a neighborhood I frankly don’t know how to label.

It is a great area, don’t get me wrong, but since they don’t label towns like “the upper west side” or “the village”, all I can tell you is it is in arrondesmont (neighborhood) 12, and I can best liken it to an up-an-coming area in Brooklyn, although Paris seems much more compact on a map since it all seems connected, save for the river Seine splitting it down the middle. I am quite happy with the apartment since I’m nowhere near a touristy hotel and I’ve experienced Paris like a true Parisian, a very stupid and totally incommunicable one!

Backing up, I decided to book a flight from Prague to Paris as the train seemed a bit too long and I arrived in Paris relatively late Sunday Sept 9th. I took the bus from the airport and then a cab and found Guy at this apt share without any difficulty.

I was worried I ruined Guy’s day by the late arrival but since he had gotten in 2 days earlier, he was just getting over his jet-lag and really only managed a couple of sights in that time and no real partying.

We looked at our maps and took a subway to the nearest area that might be hopping on a Sunday night, and while we had little luck, we found an Irish pub and drank overpriced beers until 3 in the morning. (hey, we didn’t even make it OUT until 12:30!)

Also, let me add that France in general is all about the World Cup of Rugby, and all the pubs are chock full of Irish, British and especially Scottish people…yes, with kilts.

Screw it, rather than this boring diary shit of dictating what we did, let me speed up and say Guy and I spent 3 nights in Paris, and since he was here 2 days before me, I’m fairly certain I annoyed the shit out of him since, as I told you, it takes me 3 days to understand my way in a town, and he was hoping I’d get up to speed and help out with the navigating.

On the contrary! The fact is I put myself on autopilot and simply followed him around like a ritilen-sedated child and learned less than if I had been by myself. Oh well, I we are best of buddies so he’s well aware I bring nothing to the table in any area, travel included. And if you choose to read well on, you will see I found my way in Paris on trip two!

I shall let Guy tell you the story of his heroic drunkenness Tuesday as well, but let me say that it involved him drinking an ENTIRE bottle of Absynth, and amazingly he didn’t lose his composure AND didn’t murder me in my sleep. I had no Absynth, but I did have many beers of course.

Guy and I were amazed by how freaking clean Paris is, as I have noted in many cities, but Paris is REALLY clean, and the subways are otherworldly clean. No rats. No brown sludge and stalactites growing on the 80-year-old supports like in NYC, just very clean and well-decorated platforms to see. And I wouldn’t have noticed if Guy hadn’t pointed it out, but the trains run on tires so you have a very smooth ride. Worth mentioning I suppose.

While we enjoyed Paris for 3 nights, the fact is Guy had this place for 2 full weeks but wanted to hit wine country before he hit a wedding in Toulouse for the weekend.

I figured I’d join him on the trip to Bordeaux/wine country and then head back up to Paris when he went to the wedding, which is exactly what I did. (geez, why am I so boring tonight? Oh, because of the $8 bottle of French wine that would’ve cost me $150 in the states…sorry about that)

Let me just paste comments from wine country:


(2 nights into wine country)

I sit in the hotel lounge in Saint Emilion, roughly 20 km due east of Bordeaux, recently having uncorked a 2001 bottle of Chateau Bigaroux, which I learned was a very good vintage here in Saint Emilion on my wine tour today, and the region of Saint Emilion is where the absolute best wines in the world are made. (including the bottle of Chateau Chavel Blanc Paul Giamatti covets in “Sideways”, if you care to know)

The wine tour also made me very interested in wine-making. I have to say, I never got into the beer-brewing craze, only because I've always liked simple beers that don't have fruit and shitloads of sugar thrown into them. Also, the first time I ever got "drunk", (okay buzzed) was from my older brother's friend Vince's home-brew, and I'm not even certain it had any alcohol in it.

But I'd like to take a crack at bottling my own wine...of course, the only grapes I have access to are in my parents back yard. I learned that while wine has a hell of a lot to do with climate, it also has to do with the soil and factors such as growing grapes atop a limestone deposit, where the soil retains all of its nutrients and isn't washed away.

Of course, my parents grape-vine is situated atop our septic tank, which isn't quite as temping, but in 2008 look for my premier bottle of "Chateau La Merde".

But back to this bottle I have in front of me.

No, I didn’t buy this at the vineyard tour, though I did buy one bottle, but I’m letting that age a bit. (translation: I HOPE to have it 2+ years but know I will probably drink it in the next 2 days)

And how much was the bottle I’m drinking? (which is f#*king awesome, by the way)

15 Euro!!!! (about $22…it would be at least $100 in the states, and the 25 euro bottle from Chateau Mauvigne would be roughly 6 million dollars)

If that doesn’t piss you off, know that 2 hours ago I had a 4 course meal of foie gras and pinapple, filet mignon, salade, cheese and meat platter and crème brule for desert (with more fantastic Bordeaux throughout of course).

We don’t know exactly when we will die, but I feel very privileged I know the APEX of my life, and this is it. Sure a hot chick would have helped, but creepy American loner beggars can’t be choosers, you know?

But seriously, in Ireland, my general reaction was “wow, this is cool”, and then in Norway and Germany it was “this is the life!”, and then Prague “it will never get better than this!”.

But France? Here in wine country? Well my reaction has been simply “wow, now I’m just being an asshole.”

With the endless supply of affordable wine and amazingly good cheeses and food in general, I have a shit-eating grin on my face that only swiping my badge to enter work could remove.

C’est horrible!

And by the way, let me say that the foie gras wasn’t very good. Sure I am the pickiest eater alive but I DO like liver, and I DO like Duck, but force-feeding a duck to achieve this taste doesn’t seem worth it. I’ve been force-feeding myself for nearly a month now and my liver probably tastes of tobacco and booze, and it recently inspired a new measurement on the Moe’s Hardness Scale as it is harder than diamond. (huh?)

Guy only spent one night and a day in Saint Emilion before he had to head down to Toulouse, and I was enjoying myself so much (seriously, look at the pictures) I stayed another night.

While having yet another glass of wine and a plate of cheeses at a random cafe at lunch today, and marveling at just how FRENCH it all felt and how relaxed I was, Freddy Mercury started screaming ominously through the speakers, threatening to rock me. Now, let me say Freddy Mercury is one of my top 5 favorite vocalists, but at that moment, it was a little jarring.

A few songs later, and I shit you not, Alanis Morissette’s “Isn’t it ironic?” came on, and while I wasn’t drinking Chardonnay and it wasn’t a black fly, a freaking gnat flew directly into my Bordeaux. Mon Dieu!

The worst part is I spent at least 10 minutes trying to decide if that really WAS ironic, contrary to Alanis’ widely regarded misunderstanding of the word. I eventually decided it STILL wasn’t, just a coincidence…(do you agree?)…and then I fished the gnat out and drank it anyway. (Isn’t it pathetic? Don’t you think?)

And you will note from the pictures (which I haven’t uploaded yet of course) that it was a bit of an older crowd, but I didn’t care in the least as I needed to relax and enjoy a non-urban area.

Paris Trip 2: Final 4 days in France:

I took a train from Saint Emilion to Bordeaux and then hopped on a train to Paris without a problem. Would have liked to spend a night in Bordeaux, but I must say the Gypsy in Prague really threw off my budget and did I mention, GUY HAD A FREE PLACE TO STAY!?!

Friday night I was a bit exhausted but still rallied enough to hit the town for a while, but at this point I was getting MIGHTY frustrated at how terrible my memory is of the French language.

Let me back up and say that I took 2 years of French in high school, and unlike many subjects, I always got straight As. I THEN took 1 semester in college as the 2 years wasn’t enough.

THEN, over ten years ago I dated a French-Vietnamese gal who insisted on giving me refreshers in French and for a while there, I must say I knew French pretty well. Okay not well at all but I could read 70% of it and speak and understand about 30% of it.

But I forgot nearly all of it since then. Luckily Guy bought some “learn French in a week” type books and I refreshed some of my knowledge, but on the whole I am useless.

Terribly useless.

Anyway, Friday was uneventful, and after catching a couple sights Saturday day (yes, I actually did the Eiffel Tower after dissing it, and it was very cool I must say) I hit the town again Saturday night.

I really didn’t feel like doing a pub crawl, which I could have, just felt like hanging out in the immediate area of where the apartment is. I grabbed some French bread and a much needed salad (although the salad had loads of ham and eggs in it, which was fine, as long as I can say I had a salad!) and hit a couple local bars.

The second bar I went to, after noticing it was full of guys, many of whom were drunken train-wrecks and some slurring so much I almost understood their French, I decided to stay!

It turns out this bar was full of French-Algerian dudes, and they all were very nice. Okay 3 of them were nice, the others were totally hammered vegetables, but this fit all my requirements of a shady dive bar so I was happy.

The bartender was the nicest guy, but another guy Bruno (yes Bruno), was the one who decided to take me under his pungent wing for the evening.

He spoke English very well, although after reading up on the French refresher books again, I really wanted to speak some French as most of the guys spoke little English, but Bruno wasn’t happy with me butchering his language.

This is not because Bruno was practical, but because he was one of those “randomly angry drunk guys”. Seriously, he was nice as can be for about 20 minutes at a time, and then out of nowhere, he would call me a prick or lambaste me for something. It was not tourette’s syndrome but just the fact he was an angry drunk I guess.

I of course found him fascinating, and I’m fairly certain if I wasn’t a menacing looking fellow he may have beaten me up about 5 times.

He also hated that I couldn’t say his name correctly, as the French pronunciation would require me to have 6 shots of Novocain and 20 beers.

But after 30 minutes in this place, noticing there were NO women to be found, I asked Bruno “Ou sont les femmes?” (where are the girls?…well I think that is what it means)

He seemed angered by this as well, not because it was a gay bar or anything but just because Bruno is an angry guy (and I think his parents knew this, thus the name)

All of the sudden, a very cute French gal who I learned was a regular walks in.

At one point, when all of the bar was talking to me, I mentioned I am from New York and live in Manhattan and work for blank (all lies technically, but GREAT to have in your arsenal) and from that moment on the cute French gal was eyeing me like Oprah eyes Haagen-Dazs after a fight with Stedman.

But Bruno, angry drunk connoisseur that he is, proved to be an even BETTER cock-blocker, for while he was the first to point out the cute gal wanted me, he put on a show of cock-blocking like I have never seen, by not only ensuring I didn’t talk to her, but by eclipsing my view of her so impressively, I barely got to SEE her.

You are probably thinking like I was that perhaps since she is a regular that all the guys look out for her, but hey, the whole rest of the bar seemed to understand I’m an okay guy, and probably knew I’d strike out with this vixen anyway, so what was the big deal?

I’m divulging too much here but basically Bruno wasn’t really blocking the view as much as happy to have a friend I guess. After at least 30 minutes of this, I juked Bruno like Tim Duncan avoids a pick and roll and found myself next to the French gal…but it was too late as she had JUST gotten her tab and was headed home. (She was also probably horrified by the vision of me up close, but lets say otherwise)

Oh well, I am useless.

Bruno then took me out to a couple bars, okay only one really, and at this point I was thankful for his efforts but he was rather unstable and I was getting tired. Seriously, red wine at dinner sucks the energy out of me…in a good way as going to bed at 3 or 4 am is NOT healthy. I made it to bed before 1am that night! And no, Bruno was not sleeping with me.

Come Sunday, as I write you now, I was eager to hit a few more sights, like the Louvre and Versailles, but I found myself unable to get motivated. REALLY unable. Sure I did some laundry and organized my travel a bit, but I was alarmed at how fatigued I was, despite no obvious hangover.

I had a serious bout of “the stupids” as well.

Like I said, I’ve been learning more and more French since I arrived, but on this day I couldn’t speak a damn thing.

For instance, I told a convenience store clerk “good night” at 1 in the afternoon.

And when a fellow said thank you after borrowing my lighter, I told him “see you tomorrow!”

I realized I was in a funk so impressive I had forgotten the most basic of exclamations, and frankly, I’m fairly certain I would have had the same responses in English.

It took me a while to realize it had been a full five days since I went for a run. And since I have been eating out every meal, and the French deep-fry almost everything that isn’t already fatty meat, my veins were pulsing with blood as viscous as play-dough.

I’m telling you, since I’ve grown to enjoy running, NOT running, while fun in itself, really puts you in a funk. (You were right Joe, running is oddly enough like smoking, you only do it since you feel odd if you DON’T do it)

Anyway, I put my sightseeing off for the day, laced up my hideous jogging shoes, iPod with distance tracker chip and terrible red shirt and made my way toward Lake Daumesnil, and before you know it, I was running like the wind, though totally without energy.

Well, sure I started off terribly, and the sand/gravel path only made me more miserable and thirsty, but pretty soon I was loping along gracefully, with a stride best likened to an effeminate T-Rex with an equilibrium disorder, and after 5 miles, I was a new man!

At one point in the run, forgetting which direction was north and south, I stopped and asked directions to a couple cute gals and I must say my French was not too shabby. The lesson? Running is good and I only talk to gals when smelly and covered in sweat.

I came back, showered, and was ready to have a nice meal and then see my friends at the bar from the night before (and yes, I was fairly certain Bruno would not be there).

Well, either the bar was closed or I totally forgot where it was in the first place so my evening involved a great meal, some wine of course, a beer at an equally shady bar without the friendly/angry patrons and then I’m back now writing you.

Since I know my last 36 hours in Paris will be full of sights and planning my next destination, I shall end my France blog now. (I think)

From what I have written, you would think I’ve found Paris so-so, but that isn’t the case!

I haven’t met many friends in Paris but this town is simply awesome. Hell, I lived in New York a good 5 months before hitting my stride, and I HAD friends when I arrived.

And I didn’t even want to come to Paris in the first place, as I thought it would be touristy and essentially is a place you come to if you have a significant other.

And as I walked along the river Siene at night, I must say it was indeed romantic. I was all over myself. Okay just kidding, but I could definitely see how it would be romantic with a gal, if I weren’t a lethal combo of hideous and unable to commit.

As for tourists?

Well it wasn’t too bad, and I actually liked that the French don’t bend over backwards to cater to tourists and certainly don’t feel the need to learn English, so they have their very own attitude that is different from the rest of Europe.

But make no mistake, I didn’t encounter a single episode of “rude” French people (Bruno excluded, but he was a fantastic outlier) and on the whole the French are very hospitable and a genuinely cool bunch of folks.

Let me also say that as well as Europeans dress in general, the French are some well-dressed cats, whether male or female, gay or straight, we ain’t got shite on them in NYC.

Oh yeah, and in case you are wondering why I didn't hit the Riviera, well, I decided I was running out of time and to utilize the free place in Paris. (there are worse places to extend your stay!)

I also was so impressed by France that I want to fully refresh my French and become fluent (mostly) so I can return and hit the south of France! (Steph, I will need your help here! And no that doesn't involve you being the miracle worker, just making sure to test me once in a while!)

Also, I decided to squeeze in another destination...but since I'm sure about 2 people have read this far, no guilt on keeping you in suspense!

Paris (& wine country) Ratings:

The scenery: 10 (as impressive as Prague, though their buildings are more 18th & 19th century impressive, as opposed to medieval and baroque-design impressive…and yes, the man who still proclaims Airplane is the best movie ever just typed that)
The "local feel": 9
The bars: 6 (truly was hoping for more, but I think I was VERY malinformed here)
The food: 9.5 (holy crap, the food is amazing, and I only shaved off half a point since I was kinda tired of “jambon”, but only because I kept picking it as I couldn’t remember much of the other menu option meanings)
The friendliness of patrons: 9
The ladies' presence: 8 (very, VERY cute and sexy gals of all ages here…no clue how they stay so thin with all good food, good food that ALWAYS involves something deep-fried)
Desire to return 10 (not until I learn French! And I want you, my friends, to hold me to this, if in 1 year I haven’t become markedly more fluent, please kick me in the balls forcefully)
Value for Money 10 (they get this on the fact that I have eaten in a French restaurant 3 or 4 times in the states, and my whole trip has cost me less in Paris…seriously, never once felt like something was overpriced)
Opinion of Americans 6 (I didn’t help here…the guy who borrowed my lighter is probably still wondering why I would intend to see him tomorrow)

Prague

Okay the gloves are off. For those of you who’ve complained my travels have been boring and too photo-oriented for a guy who claims to hate being a tourist, THIS is the story you have been waiting for.

But still, it involves little to brag about.

Also, you will have to read through the usual rambling crap first.

I woke up rather crusty from the pub crawl in Berlin but felt pretty good overall. I asked the cute hostel clerk/bartender (yes they are the same person) the best way to get out of town and hit Prague. She gave me directions to Haubenhoff train station (probably spelled that wrong but who cares?) and when I got there, I was TOTALLY confused.

Please note, I am nearly 3 weeks into Europe and I have yet to take a Eurail train. So I was expecting a crowded train station full of tourists going the same direction. Well it was huge and nice but seemed very local.

I walked around for a good 10 minutes with 50 lbs of gear on my back and decided to park it at a McDonalds because I had NO CLUE how to do something as simple as book a train.

I finally figured it out and found the travel center (which was empty…I get the feeling it was open solely for idiots like me) and since the economy ticket to Prague was 60 euro and the first class ticket was 85, well I decided to splurge, especially after staying in the hostel.

My trip was very relaxing, though the waiter in the first class car had such horrific B.O. I stopped ordering after my ham and cheese sandwich and glass of red wine.

I made it to Prague and once again had no clue what to do. Yes, I had my hotel booked, and even wrote down the address and confirmation number, but other than that, unprepared.

I found the taxi stand but was surprised to see that while it had taxis, it had no taxi DRIVERS waiting for me. I walked around a bit more thinking I must be in the center of town but then started having lower lumbar pains due to said 50 lbs of gear.

I walked back to the taxi stand and a voice whispered from the shadows “Taxi?”.

I said “yes!”. I showed him the address and hotel name and he went to the back of his trunk and pulled out a laminated piece of paper showing the “fixed rates” into town, which seemed way too high.

Not knowing how far city center was, and nearly in traction, I said “sure, fine!”

Unfortunately, he quoted me a price of about 40 euro, and after 10 minutes of driving, and about 8 left turns in a row, we arrived at my hotel. I needled him only slightly for the obvious rip-off, but he gave me the “I’m sorry sir, it is a set rate” guff.

Oh well.

I checked into the hotel and it was rather nice so all was fine.

I was very happy to hit Prague since I had a friend Jana there, who I met in NYC when she visited Joe. This was great for several reasons, namely: (1) I was tired of being by myself to the point I was feeling a bit like a loser at times. (2) Jana is darn fun, likes to drink, and is extremely proud of her town and LIKES to show people around. And most importantly, (3) She happens to be a bone-crushingly hot Czech gal.

But anyway, she checks her email less than I check my pulse and she wasn’t exactly informed of my relatively early arrival, but that was fine since I wasn’t down for a full night of partying. (this was a Wednesday)

So I went to a nearby restaurant to get some food. I ordered the spicy pepper steak and boiled potatoes but they only had the spicy pork and French fries ready. (Um, okay?)

The food was excellent anyway and the 2 gals working at the bar were rather cute and friendly. I had one of them take the pic of me with the Absinthe…which I didn’t drink (that night at least).

Now my hotel is a bit far from the city center but I was happy for that since I’m about done with touristy lodging spots, so I asked for a good pub nearby.

(For those wondering when the story is coming, well, never)

So it is about 10pm and I’m tired, but not out of energy.

I hopped on the first tram I saw, without looking at a map, and headed “into town”. Unfortunately, I hopped on a train that sorta went into town but then took a hard right and headed north. I eventually ended up at the airport (after like 20 minutes, when I KNEW I wasn’t going anywhere useful, but I enjoyed the people watching!) and I hopped off and then took a tram headed the other direction.

Fed up, I got off at the same stop I had initially caught it on and just went to the first bar I saw, called “Monty’s Herna bar”. I didn’t like the name much but then again I was thirsty and it was just about the only bar in the area.

I walk in and there is no bar, no bartender, just a guy sitting in a loveseat wearing a sweatshirt and tight red boxer briefs, and he seems far too surprised and/or happy to see me. I notice another guy get up from his seat and walk behind the counter.

Me
“Um, what kind of bar is this? It said night club outside?”

Him
“Oh, this is the hostel entrance. The bar is on the other side.”

So thinking little of the man-lady in red, I went into the other bar.

It was not as odd, but also dead. I left and started walking back to the hotel.

Not far from the hotel, what seems to be a beggar comes up to me asking for money. I tell her I’m American and don’t understand a friggin word, and she pesters me just enough (about 3 seconds, which is all it takes) and I give her 10 Koruna, worth about 50 cents.

Then she gives me the money back and locks arms with me, and appears to like me. She is about forty, KINDA pretty, but seems to be on some sort of drug and is basically creepy.

Her persistence had me a little freaked out, but still I simply felt sorry for her. I try to give her the whole 50 cents back and she refuses. INSTEAD, she appears to want a kiss.

I refuse. She tries again. I refuse again, with an actual push-off this time.

She then, ahem, gets VERY friendly and tries grabbing exactly what you are thinking. I refuse again.

All I can think at this point is “wow, that Axe body spray I bought in Denmark really works!”

Somehow, she kicks it up another notch and tries to hump me as I’m walking. This strikes me as very funny and I laugh uncomfortably while I push her off (rather forcefully at this point).

This goes on for about a minute or two. After saying “sorry, not interested” and “goodbye” roughly 50 times as I dragged her around like a terrier in heat, she finally gives up and leaves.

“Phew!” I thought, just as I came upon a bar I hadn’t noticed before. It was dead, but after the last encounter, I needed a beer.

I opened my wallet and poof, no money!

Yep! I got freaking pick-pocketed!!!!! And if you were doing the math, I was sober!

I was wondering how a beggar would go from asking for pennies to hailing a taxi!?! Yes, I am an idiot.

I have lived in NYC for 2+ years and I NEVER got pick-pocketed. I’ve never been pick-pocketed or mugged (or even woken up in a tub of ice without a kidney) in my life! (okay Eggy, I know you are thinking of the gal at “dime beers night” in Blacksburg…but that wasn’t quite the same)

This development had me 50% angry and 50% grateful that this occurred. I mean, sometimes you NEED things like this to happen to you. What is amazing to me is how she took my wallet, took out the cash, and then PUT IT BACK IN MY BACK POCKET without me knowing? She didn’t get any credit cards or my passport so I am VERY lucky.

Here I was feeling sorry for her, especially when she tried to hump an ogre like me, and all the while she was playing me. It was the best I have ever been bamboozled…and here is the great thing, by a real honest-to-goodness gypsy!!! If you asked me how much I would pay for a tour called “how to be swindled by a gypsy”, I would say at least a $40 admission!

Unfortunately, I had much more than 40 bucks in my wallet. Sure, I only had 40 bucks of Czech money, but I had about 50 bucks Norwegian Kroner, 60 euro, 40 British pounds and 60 us dollars! Damnit.

All things considered, not a catastrophe, but I HATE that it happened to me…and yet, love it! What a memorable story! (I am warped)

But to you my gypsy friend, I’m glad you took 40 bucks of my money, but the other 250? I want it back!!

The next 3 days:

Never saw the wily pick-pocketer again, but the rest of Prague was fantastic.

The next day I walked around town a bit before meeting up with Jana for dinner.

And for anyone wondering if Jana and I were an item, well we are just friends. (and I consider her a great friend as she was a fantastic host, dedicating Thursday night and her whole weekend to showing me the town)

Of course, I’d hook up with her in a second, but she finds me about as attractive as a shower drain clog.

Oh well. You know what they say, give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, but give a man a hot tour guide and he will look like the coolest guy in town and jealous fishermen will deny him angling tips.

I digress.

As for the town of Prague, well it is easily the most beautiful city I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen some great ones lately!

I can’t even pick my favorite sight as they are all amazing. Eating dinner with a great view of the Vltava River and Prague Castle in the background was probably my favorite part.

Be warned though that the Prague Castle Grounds were amazing but incredibly crowded. We walked to the top of St Vitus’s Cathedral, which was 287 steps up a spiral cement staircase. As tired as I was climbing up the stairs, descending down them left me a dizzy, stumbling zombie. But it was cool just the same.

Old Town Prague is also excellent to see, not just for the photos but the buzz of the town. While waiting for Jana at the Astronomical Clock (which was cool but I screwed up the pictures of it) I forgot my watch and wasn’t sure if I was early or late, so I asked someone the time.

Let me repeat that. I asked someone the time after waiting 5 minutes under the Astronomical CLOCK. (I should be euthanized…thankfully the couple I asked pointed this out with a raised eyebrow)

Here’s another great thing about Prague: Beer is incredibly cheap! Sure the hotels are a bit more expensive than I’d like, taxi drivers are dishonest and humping gypsies reign supreme, but a beer costs a little over a dollar!! Oddly, cocktails are 3 times as expensive but that’s fine too!

I tried some Absinth one night. It had no effect on me, but I was surprised it was actually pretty GOOD. Why I would try something that might make me murder several people and is known to taste like pure shit is another issue.

Jana and I also walked along the Charles Bridge, which had part of it under construction but the rest was amazing and the views were fantastic.

Also, I find the city to be the perfect size, with a little over a million people, and only 3 metro lines A, B and C, and a very understandable system of above-ground trollies. I of course managed to get lost in the beginning, but I think I do that on purpose. It is very odd how each and every town I’ve been to has taken exactly 3 days to figure out. Come to think of it, NYC was the same.

The food is MUCH better than I anticipated. They are a meat and potatoes kinda town, in a creative way that isn’t predictable, and while not entirely healthy, I enjoyed it all! No garlic and minimal onions too! And the deserts were fantastic.

I simply had a great time in Prague. My only regret other than the pick-pocketing is wasting much of my time stumbling around trying to find a Laundromat Friday. I was intent on finding the one up the road the hotel told me about and I took entirely too long looking for it. And when I finally did find it, it was a stinking dry-cleaners! Ugh. This was the outskirts of town so nobody had any idea where one was. I eventually went into city center and found one immediately. The lesson? I’m showering with my clothes on from now on.

While the women were not what i expected, the men were even less attractive. I am convinced they all cut their own hair, and not with a scissors. My best guess is they do the cabbage-patch in front of an airplane propeller to get this style. Seriously, it is odd.

(I’m a bit lazy on this post for now. More to add later I think)

Prague Ratings:

The scenery: 10
The "local feel": 8 (way too many tourists, but it is such an amazing place, I don’t blame people for coming here)
The bars: 9 (Jana picked some great places in different parts of town, and smoking is allowed too!)
The food: 8
The friendliness of patrons: 7 (Not too many people talked to me, but I think that’s because I looked like Jana’s bodyguard)
The ladies' presence: 7 (Expected better. Actually I expected a town of gals that look like Jana, but as Debbie Gibson would suggest "Only in my dreams")
Desire to return 8 (there is so much I DIDN’T see despite a good crack at the sights)
Value for Money 8 (um, dollar beers anyone? And Budvar, my favorite!)
Opinion of Americans 7 (they like us, but like many places, find us a bit ignorant. Good thing I was there to be extra stupid)

Berlin

I sit in the DB lounge at the Berlin train station typing this up, waiting for a train for Prague.

In Berlin, I stayed 3 nights in St Christopher’s hostel. This was my first hostel stay thus far in the trip. And while I eventually got very comfortable with it, the first day I felt like a creepy fossil!

I arrived late on a Sunday as my flight got in very late from Copenhagen…easyjet did not impress me, since the 2.5 hour delay caused me to miss the last train into town so the taxi was about 40 euro. Oh well.

Since it was like 2 in the morning, I simply went to bed the first night. The next morning I tip-toed my way to the shower room like a smelly old cat burglar. Luckily the showers had stalls to close you off, though it was a coed bathroom so I had to towel off and throw my clothes on before leaving. I’d grace the ladies with my bare-chested physique and towel around the waist but I couldn’t bear the shrieks.

I saw some sights the first day, like the Fernseturm TV tower, which was touristy but cool since the weather cleared up just in time to catch a good view. Like the lamo I am, I even purchased one of the guided tour recordings to accompany me. Unfortunately it didn’t have earphones and you had to hold this hideous over-sized cellphone thingy up to your ear. I used it for about 3 minutes before sliding the unwise 3.5 euro rental into my back pocket. I wasn’t aware that each window has a much more informative description of the sights beneath it!

I also used this view as a way to figure out where the hell I was in town. I wasn’t sure which direction was east and west…rather key information in Berlin.

My hostel is on the east side, but rather close to many of the sights and yet just far enough away. I have to say I experienced mostly East Berlin only, as it sure seems like a lot of the most popular sights are there.

Chris gave me a tip to see a few places my second day, like Gendarenmarket, which was an awesome square in town (still east I believe) with a French Cathedral to the north and a German Cathedral to the south. It was surprisingly empty (maybe because it looked like it was about to pour rain but didn’t) so I enjoyed having to myself essentially.

I must say I’m very impressed with Berlin overall. It truly is a well organized town. The train system is very easy to figure out (key when you’re a moron) and they are also incredibly punctual! And all the maps are well-planned and there are even maps throughout the town.

Chris also suggested Gedaechtniskirche, which is a war-torn church right around where the Berlin wall used to be…though looking at the map, this seemed to be nowhere near the former Berlin wall dotted line on the map. Oh well, I probably misunderstood Chris, as this place seemed clearly in the west side. But the church was very interesting, and after touring it, I got my third dose of “currywurst”, which is some simply awesome junkfood they have on many corner stands. Knockwurst and powdered curry with spicy ketchup. I will need angioplasty soon but it is worth it!

So after my second full day in town, I started to feel like I knew my way around TOO well, so I got off at Bellevue (park stop) and got delightfully lost in the park. Very cool! (this was like 4 o’clock so not at night!)

To digress extremely randomly, most of you know I’m the worst athlete ever, especially at basketball. However, I always maintained that I would always play up to the level of competition I was playing with, like no matter whether I was on varsity or some pickup game with a bunch of uncoordinated guys, I would always contribute the same 6-8 points and 4 rebounds, no matter who I was playing with.

I bring this up as I feel like being in such a well-organized, efficient town, it has rubbed off on even ME. My travel planning in Berlin has been excellent. Germany seems to have a hell of a lot of 10 minute rain storms, so whenever rain would come, I’d scurry down to a nearby train station, find a new sight/stop and by the time I was off the train, poof, the rain was gone!

This happened several times. And each sight, I seemed to spend a perfect amount of time touring and took JUST enough pictures. I’m telling you, I toured like a warrior poet.

And on one occasion, I got to see the most impressive fall I’ve ever seen by a human being. It was not impressive in how ugly a fall it was, but how magnificent and efficient a fall it was. Clearly this person was German!

I was in Alexanderplatz and was taking a rest since I had my day pack with 300 lb laptop in the back of it, when my keen ears heard what sounded like a stumble and peripherally I saw the beginning of it. A portly woman of about 40 was descending down the last of 2 steps on the square and she must have stepped on her shoelace or something.

Well, she knew she was going down, and if I didn’t know better I’d say she LEPT forward, as if Michael Phelps at the starting block on the 100m fly.

At her zenith, I swear time stood still, like she was in the matrix.

As I gazed with gaping jaw, I watched her incredibly efficient landing, as every single part of her front side hit the ground at the same time except her head and face, arms extended forward the whole time. She minimized the impact by doing this, instead of breaking a wrist or kneecap by falling like an unworthy American on our joints.

It was something to behold, I swear!

She then hopped up unscathed, mildly annoyed by the inefficiency of her walking, and she went about her day and left me in awe.

After my day of touring, and realizing it had been 2 full nights since I boozed, I noticed the travel guide had an advertisement for a “pub crawl”. Now, I was wary that this was the free travel guide from the hostel so the pub crawl would be full of youngsters, but then I realized “um, when have you ever had a bad time at a pub crawl?”

So I listened to my wise conscience and hit the pub crawl, which was INDEED full of youngsters. There were others my age…okay kinda. I had a great time anyway, spending much of the night with a couple from Antwerp, Belgium, a biomedical engineering student from Singapore who’s going to school in London and some firefighter guy from Oregon.

The pub crawl tour guides might have a job more dangerous than king crab fisherman, as they were totally hammered throughout the crawl, and they do it every night! I can’t even say I was jealous…though I think I’d take the job in a second.

It was fun, but keep in mind this was a Tuesday so I didn’t get too crazy. (no fire escape lodging accommodations on this pub crawl like in Boston)

I made it up fine today and took one last shower at the hostel, alluding any forms of life for each of my 3 showers throughout the hostel stay!

Let me add also that Germany is a gorgeous country. On the train to Prague, I could NOT believe how green and pretty it was, riding along the river Elbe almost the whole way. We passed Dresden, among other towns, which seemed very cool, especially the villages on the outskirts.

Germany really wasn’t what I was expecting. VERY much worth visiting.



Berlin Ratings:

The scenery: 10
The "local feel": 9 (I really felt like Germany isn’t overrun by tourists, despite all the great sights…and only about 30% of the people spoke English at best, though 90% of people you encounter on tours or hostel staff speak english)
The bars: 7 (pretty darn good…and yes you can smoke!)
The food: 8 (I had currywurst 4 times and bratwurst twice. I love cholesterol!)
The friendliness of patrons: 8 (very friendly country really)
The ladies' presence: 6 (just didn’t see many, but it was early in the week)
Desire to return 9 (MANY places to see in Germany, kinda pathetic I only did one town)
Value for Money 8 (now this was surprising, beers were pretty cheap and I never felt like anything was overpriced)
Opinion of Americans 7 (didn’t talk to enough locals, but they seem to like us)

Scandinavia

Well I write you now on a gigantic ferry from Oslo to Copenhagen. In case you are doing the math, yes that means I only spent 2 days in Norway, as opposed to the 4-5 days I had allowed.

This is NOT because Norway sucked. It was great…okay it wasn’t quite great but very cool. But I hate to let all the doubters say “I told you so” but Norway is indeed WAY too expensive.

My hotel was very affordable. (side note: my rule has been to book a decent hotel for 2 nights in any country and then talk to locals and get advice on the next few days. This also allows me to abort travel if it gets too expensive or I am having a terrible time. So I consider this well played!)

So when I told people I was going to Norway, I got one of three reactions: (a) Why? Well bring a jacket! (b) Norway? You know that is very expensive right? (c) Oh, you want to see beautiful women. And also (d) Do you want a girl to bench-press you or something?

Well (c) is the most correct, but not entirely. (okay maybe) I also read about Norway and how incredible the sights and country are. And let me tell you, I wasn’t disappointed. The country is indeed beautiful, and I’m sad I didn’t get to travel to Bergen, where I planned to stop midway and ride the Flam (one of those trains/lifts that take you up a mountain…sorry I can’t be more specific), and I even hoped to hit another town like Stavenger or Kristiansburg. (totally wrong spelling but who cares eh?)

But lets get back to the women. If you have heard that Scandinavian women (especially in Norway) love Americans, well I am not the one to confirm it…but I can shed some light. First, let me say the women here are incredibly beautiful. When I got on the bus at the airport I looked around and thought “hmmm, lots of male hippy backpackers, some older folks and ONE really cute girl. Lies!)

But that was a biased sample size. Once I got into town (note: Ryanair flies into “Oslo Torp” which DOES NOT mean Oslo, but a town 1.5 hours away…but I didn’t care as the flight from Ireland cost me like 50 bucks…really!) but anyway I realized this town is LOADED with beautiful women.

Seriously, anywhere I went, my reaction to these girls went somewhere along the lines of "wow" then to "holy shit!" and then finally "okay is this a f%#king joke or something?"

Let me say my hotel was also in the snooty shopping district area, and I first considered that as the reason. (like women walking outside of Bergdorf in NYC, or fashion square in Scottsdale)

I took it easy the first night, but went out for dinner and like 2 drinks, and then went home to upload some pictures. Well, I was already surprised how cheap my hotel was (note, not cheap but this hotel was WAY nicer than what I payed, if Norway is so inexpensive…$140 a night if you must know) and my dinner was even fairly cheap considering I splurged for a steak. Hey, I’ve been eating relatively healthy…and I’ve been jogging!

Anyway, I had it stuck in my head that that 1USD=roughly 14 Norwegian Kroner. It wasn’t until I got home and logged on that the 1USD=about 5.6 Kroner! That is a huge idiotic mistake by me, yes, but the hotel really was $140 a night. However, that meant my steak dinner was $100 (and it wasn’t very good) and a beer COSTS $17!!!!)

Once I realized this, and saw how expensive the train to Bergen was, I decided to abort the country, hotties or not. That doesn’t mean I regret visiting Norway…especially after my second and last night.

So we are on the same page, I spent Tuesday and Wednesday, Aug 28th & 29th in Norway. Really hate that I wasn't there later in the week...though I may have had a heart attack. Tuesday I took it easy as I said. Wednesday I was panicking from the high costs and spent most of the afternoon on the web looking for alternatives and planning my travel.

One thing I really wanted to do was take a ferry from Norway to wherever…but the thing is all the ferries leave from Oslo, not Stavenger or any other town. (unless I wanted to go back to the UK, which I’m not doing until late Sept!)

So I took this as a sign to get the F out of dodge and booked a ferry to Copenhagen, which was pretty affordable.

BUT, I still had one more night in Oslo and a good night’s rest. (seriously, Norwegians have the most comfortable beds ever…and this was a 3 star hotel apparently…it was spotless, the sheets totally white and the whole bed may have well as been a big feather pillow…and no, this bed was NOT designed by NASA like the temper-pedic)

So I went out, with the general attitude of “yep, hot gals everywhere…but what the hell am I doing in Norway? I just spent 17 bucks on a quarter pounder meal!”

Let me back up and say that I’m having a freaking blast traveling, and Norway has been just about as fun as Ireland, possibly better.

You should also know that Norwegians play EXCLUSIVELY American music, and here’s the thing: They have WAY BETTER taste in our music than we do! Seriously, with our society so screwed up by a curious appreciation for terrible country pop, and additionally by our inability to appreciate good music from the past (that isn’t Elvis, The Beatles or the Stones) I was blown away that every song the DJ’s played was fantastic. And some of the songs were clearly American but I’d never heard them in my life. And they weren’t new songs, as I don't know much new music since I don't listen to radio much in NY.

I’m all over the place right now. Anyway, I went out Saturday and while all the points mentioned above are true, it started to feel pointless being out (especially on a Wednesday) and I started to walk home. It was also very dead in Oslo.

But then I stumbled upon a bar that had a few people…and it looked like a mixed-age crowd, which I prefer. When I walked in, they told me to head to the left because the room on the right had a private party. Okay. I went to the left and it was happening, but it was also young and very crowded.

I went to the bathroom down the stairs, and while there, I realized I could sneak my way into the private party if I went up the stairs the other direction. (Hey, private party means a possibility of free drinks! And at the very worst, a reason to leave the crowded young’ns)

I went into the party and while it wasn’t some great party, I wasn't old, and I knew from when I entered, it would be under in an hour until the party ended…so I felt I was worthy of being there. No, there wasn’t free beer…though maybe there was until a certain hour. (it was like 11 at this point) But I DID find out what kind of private party it was. A Scandinavian Airlines company party. Yes, that means flight attendants that come from the country housing the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen!!!

But I was kinda disappointed considering this.

Yes, there were some hotties, but also a lot of pilots and admin folks. (I think all the flight attendants were actually flying…drats)

But I did hang out with 2 flight attendants, both pretty darn cute. (one is in my pictures) And no, I didn’t hook up as one was married and one had a boyfriend. I had a blast anyway. And they gave me their party pass thingies around their neck, so I could feel like part of the party. Yes, that helped make me feel welcome!

Anyway, Norway is a fascinating place. To all my single friends, and I mean men AND women, straight and gay, if you every win the lottery, move here immediately. Since I’m a manly man, I can say that not only the women are beautiful, but the men are all tall and (ahem) good-looking as well. And they ALL speak nearly perfect English.

And I don’t understand how they do stay so good-looking actually. They smoke like chimneys and drink like fishes. (There are few reasons why I would EVER leave a country with beautiful women who smoke and drink too much and have great taste in music…$17 beers unfortunately is one of them)

Norway Ratings:
The scenery: 10
The "local feel": 9 (seriously, I didn’t see a single American, even though we rule their culture)
The bars: 7
The food: 4 (good presentation, but since they basically mimic Americans, they too have been inflicted with the garlic craze…Emeril must die)
The friendliness of patrons: 7
The ladies' presence: 10
Desire to return 6 (10 if I become rich)
Value for Money 1
Opinion of Americans 8 (they love us, problem is most American travelers are poor like me and stay away due to the money…hey, I like to think of my 2 expensive days in Norway as ¼ of my worst weekend in Vegas…but I’m totally warped anyway)

The Ferry:

The ferry from Norway to Denmark was fantastic. Yes, it was totally touristy, and there wasn’t a soul within 10 years of my age in either direction…but after the Scandinavian airlines party, I needed a relaxing evening.

And let me elaborate: I felt totally out of place and yet it might have been my favorite part of the trip. You can see I went picture crazy since I was enjoying the views so much. And I also enjoy saying (and spelling) fjord. I only have slight regrets I cut the Norway trip short. Hey, this isn’t about draining my savings.

Some great people watching went on as well. I was marveling at how well the Danes and Norwegians danced, not that they were great but since they are about as “white” as you can get with their Arian looks, they weren’t bad.

But I spoke/thought too soon. Out of nowhere came some delightfully horrific dancers.

This was about 10pm and while I enjoyed the views in the sunlight, it was dark and I was getting bored. But then this guy, who had been sitting right next to me and seemed to be rather obnoxious, pulls his wife up on stage and starts dancing with her. I can’t tell you how funny his dancing was. It would be impossible. But imagine what it would take to take you from boredom, to a grin, then a chuckle, then a flat-out guffaw (when he breaks it down and ends up on the ground) and then full-on laughing out loud at this spectacle (when he KEPT breaking it down).

I don’t know who this man was, and I can’t say I liked him either, but I’d like to thank him just the same. (and his wife was actually a great dancer, and pretty hot, which I can’t decide is even funnier or very sad…nope funny)

And then I arrived in Denmark the next day and I was surprised I wasn't as inspired to take pictures. I realized it was probably since the city center was not on the shore. It was rather anticlimactic reaching shore and not seeing a discernible direction to walk with my 15 ton backpack, but I picked a direction and walked.

I didn't walk TOO far before I saw a cute blond on a bicycle waiting at a light. I asked her which way to town and she pointed toward the opposite direction I was walking. Yes, a setback, but I was happy to see a cute gal since I am pathetic.

I caught a taxi into town and made it to my hotel.

I was so tired and kinda hungover at this point, I just wanted to check in and get 2 hours of sleep before resuming my touristy ways.

Well, the classy 3-star hotel gave me the run-around for 3 hours, and during that time I caught some sights. And while the city of Copenhagen is indeed impressive, I very quickly figured out it is terribly touristy. I wish there was a better adverb than "terribly" because it really is.

But I also realized I was burned out quite a bit. I took only a few pics (and got rained on) and then decided I was too judgmental on this place and to relax a while. (seriously, I hit the "travel wall", now 2 weeks into travel, so I didn't want to experience the town bitter)

And this was a FRIDAY! I wasn't so much tired as partied out. (please note: this was an excellent feeling)

I decided to park my ass in my hotel bed (another comfortable Scandinavian bed...but not as nice as Norway) and simply watch American movies. (no not porn...though it was tempting for only $5,000 an hour)

I felt guilty for staying in my room all day but not really. I love not working, but if you think about it, trying to catch all the sights EVERY day kinda turns into work. (yes, I know you are cursing me, but trust me naysayers)

So while I enjoyed my "day off" (okay I deserve flack for that) I have to tell you I totally dislike Copenhagen. Yes, it is very nice and the architecture is stunning, but when you plaster billboards and neon on said structures, it is kinda shameless.

But the real problem in Copenhagen, which I find very sad, is that EVERYONE has heard how beautiful it is and EVERYONE has decided to visit. 10 years ago, it wasn't the same, as the locals tell me. I know I am compounding the problem, but really, don't ever come here. It sucks for this reason.

The next day...

I had like 10 hours of rest and was raring to go on Saturday night, but instead I write you now totally bored shitless. Sure, this could be because I hit the wrong places, but trust me, I walked by ALL the places. Now, I'm sure the locals have an underground network of places to see, but I don't care.

On one of my terrible tour buses, they showed us "Nuhavn", which is the most affluent place to live in town (and it was very cool) and so I took note and went there for dinner. The food was okay an all, but I decided this might be the west village equivalent in this town...WRONG! I went back later in the night and it was dead. I walked some random streets and they were dead.
As far as I can tell, Copenhagen is totally lifeless. TOTALLY.

Sure, it may have been beautiful and undiscovered 20 years ago...but so was Kirsty Alley.

I'm sure I've missed certain aspects and certainly haven't figured out the local scene but trust me, it sucks for 180 bucks a night at a 3 star hotel.

And while I can't thoroughly judge the bar scene due to the tourist aspect (much like superman can't see through lead) the women in Copenhagen are terribly ugly and fat. Yes, I said it! This place is a sausage fest...and even the guys are not good looking! And yes, I just compared myself to Clark Kent AND made a judgment call on the males without reason. Screw you for judging me!

So if you haven't figured it out, I don't like this town. But yet, I still have few regrets. Like how I could have stayed in Norway and not spent all that much more money.

Tomorrow I head to Germany, and I should be nice and refreshed. (Chris, could use your help with people to hang out with...even though it will be a Sunday-Tuesday!)

Later!

Denmark Ratings:
The scenery: 6 (would be much higher if not for neon & billboards)
The "local feel": 0 (simply terrible, really)
The bars: 2
The food: 4 (lamb chops were okay)
The friendliness of patrons: 5
The ladies' presence: 2
Desire to return 0 (I want to go back to Norway big time)
Value for Money 0 (I am killing this town! But they deserve it)
Opinion of Americans ? (the only guy I talked to and liked was the bartender at my hotel, who was from the Philippines, and couldn't give me a single reason to like this town...though he did try)